Gorgeous...

Gorgeous had been back to town and contacted me! Wow! Wow! Wow! No need to hide my joy and for sure I did him a favor in no time when he asked for one. Yes! He's still special for me. But! He asked how he could pay back for it. Huh? "Pay back"? Did he say "pay back"? So I could "collect my due" someday? He wasn't saying "return" my favor? I can't help but think, since when my "relationship stuff " becomes so simple, only "pay off" and "collect"?  Are we talking about some debt? Or favors are also one kind of debt? So everyone in the world is indebted for life?

As a sun Cancerian and a rising Virgo, I seem overexamine all my ongoing, incoming and past relationships hoping to define their roles in my life. Of course that busy mind work exhausts me and consumes my energy all the time, but I need that. I need to know WHAT THEY MEAN to me. I always believe that any kind of relationship- friendship, flirtationship, flings, affair, or encounters; even one night stand- would either lead to romantic relationship or just stop where it is at the first place. And about Gorgeous' case, it definitely wouldn't come to romantic relationship. I know I'm not his dream girl. Done, simple and easy. But somehow in my deep heart, I still want to keep him. He's a good catch to every girl, NICE, GOOD LOOKING, RELIABLE and SWEET; but to me, more than those is that he tmight be the only NORMAL guy I've met for years; having him in life makes me feel I'm still ABLE TO to deal with the normal world; I may still have chance to avoid endless victim roles I played in my relastionship. He's somewhat like my GRACE. To this part, he already did me a big favor.


I wasn't very popular in college time. Guys thought I was too snobbish and girls considered me a pretentious hipster. Actually, I was a just a spoiled girl, like a drama queen, might be talented but not knowing how to practice her acting right, always upset people and herself; or a wild but lost soul trapped in the crowd but found no way out. I was always up for the guys who weren't in my league, and broke other decent and honest guys' hearts. As a result, I didn't have boy friends or girl friends. I thought it was some kind of independence. And I never realiazed what I had missed or how regrettful I would feel in the future. I always thought I was just unusual. Until I met Gorgeous.


I wasn't in a good condition then. After CC and Gentleman, I totally lost my faith in Long Distance Relationship. I thought I should put myself together and get some warmth in life. At least, someone I can embrace hard when l need them. So I dated Young Guy hoping this time might work. But he still failed me. Then Gorgeous appeared. Unlike all my stories, he never really talked sweet to me, or revealed his passion or craziness for me; he's always nice but distant, sweet but too gentle. For this, I even wondered his orientation (?). But he's a really good company. We hanged out with friends, celebrated my birthday, explored corners of the town... lots of trivial and usual stuff. I still remember how we travelled hours to visit a supposed to be "splendid" waterfall (it turned out to be almost drained during that season), or we walked for miles with my hurt toes (I was wearing my new, pretty sandals) to visit a lousy fair, and times we got stuck in a crowded train doing nothing but checking his family photos on FB...


That's what he gave me. He gave me my early twenties happiness which I never had before. He completed some missing parts of me. He made me 22 again. And that's what I owe him.



By the way, I have to set the record straight. He's not gay. It has been proven. You know what I mean, right?


Now I might have to think about how to collect my due.