Gorgeous...

Gorgeous had been back to town and contacted me! Wow! Wow! Wow! No need to hide my joy and for sure I did him a favor in no time when he asked for one. Yes! He's still special for me. But! He asked how he could pay back for it. Huh? "Pay back"? Did he say "pay back"? So I could "collect my due" someday? He wasn't saying "return" my favor? I can't help but think, since when my "relationship stuff " becomes so simple, only "pay off" and "collect"?  Are we talking about some debt? Or favors are also one kind of debt? So everyone in the world is indebted for life?

As a sun Cancerian and a rising Virgo, I seem overexamine all my ongoing, incoming and past relationships hoping to define their roles in my life. Of course that busy mind work exhausts me and consumes my energy all the time, but I need that. I need to know WHAT THEY MEAN to me. I always believe that any kind of relationship- friendship, flirtationship, flings, affair, or encounters; even one night stand- would either lead to romantic relationship or just stop where it is at the first place. And about Gorgeous' case, it definitely wouldn't come to romantic relationship. I know I'm not his dream girl. Done, simple and easy. But somehow in my deep heart, I still want to keep him. He's a good catch to every girl, NICE, GOOD LOOKING, RELIABLE and SWEET; but to me, more than those is that he tmight be the only NORMAL guy I've met for years; having him in life makes me feel I'm still ABLE TO to deal with the normal world; I may still have chance to avoid endless victim roles I played in my relastionship. He's somewhat like my GRACE. To this part, he already did me a big favor.


I wasn't very popular in college time. Guys thought I was too snobbish and girls considered me a pretentious hipster. Actually, I was a just a spoiled girl, like a drama queen, might be talented but not knowing how to practice her acting right, always upset people and herself; or a wild but lost soul trapped in the crowd but found no way out. I was always up for the guys who weren't in my league, and broke other decent and honest guys' hearts. As a result, I didn't have boy friends or girl friends. I thought it was some kind of independence. And I never realiazed what I had missed or how regrettful I would feel in the future. I always thought I was just unusual. Until I met Gorgeous.


I wasn't in a good condition then. After CC and Gentleman, I totally lost my faith in Long Distance Relationship. I thought I should put myself together and get some warmth in life. At least, someone I can embrace hard when l need them. So I dated Young Guy hoping this time might work. But he still failed me. Then Gorgeous appeared. Unlike all my stories, he never really talked sweet to me, or revealed his passion or craziness for me; he's always nice but distant, sweet but too gentle. For this, I even wondered his orientation (?). But he's a really good company. We hanged out with friends, celebrated my birthday, explored corners of the town... lots of trivial and usual stuff. I still remember how we travelled hours to visit a supposed to be "splendid" waterfall (it turned out to be almost drained during that season), or we walked for miles with my hurt toes (I was wearing my new, pretty sandals) to visit a lousy fair, and times we got stuck in a crowded train doing nothing but checking his family photos on FB...


That's what he gave me. He gave me my early twenties happiness which I never had before. He completed some missing parts of me. He made me 22 again. And that's what I owe him.



By the way, I have to set the record straight. He's not gay. It has been proven. You know what I mean, right?


Now I might have to think about how to collect my due.

When we're in love,

When we're in love, we seem never question ourselves about they way we express love. We may set bar too high or too low, but no matter what, we stop thinking about love but simply experiencing it. So, is it possible that we think we're so much in love with each other but in fact, we already forgot or refuse to love each other?

CC and I were Long Distance Relationship, more specifically, Cross Culture Romance. All the obstacles related to those types of relationship never stopped us; we believed we were each other's last love. But just like people predicted, he left and all things were proved to "Cyber Love"--Yes, we never meet in person before we broke up, even though we'd already dated for 16 months. Can't be even more real and vivid 16 months, we spent hours daily talking, chatting, sharing, loving and caring. Skype calls, emails, FB chats, and of course, expensive international phone calls and SMS. We were not living in a virtual reality! Definitely not!In order to save my love and keep my pride, I planned to visit him regardless his disagreement. When I finally landed on his country, he chose to protect his new relationship by not seeing me. Obviously, it made me look stupider and totally pathatic. Honestly speaking, until now, I still don't know which is easier, forgetting about that horrible experience or forgiving his cruelty to me? Strickly to say, we were totally strangers then, though. He had no responsiblity for my safety. However, after all the chasing and tears and curse, now, we're in a business partnership. That means, we stay in a high frequency contact, sharing things to each other, sort of "friendship", I guess. It's understanable to keep in touch with ex in the first six months after breakup, but it's insane at all to stay in the status longer than that. To this part, I know I'm SICK. Not to mention that we sometimes share some intimacy. Don't get me wrong, not that private; we're not FUBU or FFB , we just simply discuss something. After all, he's one of few guys that I can really trust and rely on. And sadly to admit that, I feel I now know him better than before.


Then what a fuck! Is it a joke? What I have done to deserve this? It's next to impossible for us to reunite, so what's the point to know how to handle him? Feeling sorry for all the misunderstanding then trying to make up for all the mistreatment? Or keeping impractical expection for him and praying for the dream reunion?


That will be absolutely a cheap reality show, no doubt and no discussion. How can I let it happen again? Am I not pathatic enough?


Thank God I figure out something else, which makes the story more close to a ridiculous siticom; at least, comforting me a bit. Things is he grew into a different person after living with a woman for 2 years. Life shapes him coldly. He's no longer the hopeless romantic person, simply believing in love can change everything. Shouldering a family wears him down. He's not that passionate and energetic like before. Fatigue and attraction fade caused their quiet nights. He's less and less active in bed. And like most guys, women's favorite is his hate. Omg! I can't hide my surprise to his breakup with the one he chose to protect, but of course, what really surprised me was their quiet nights. How disappointed I'd be if we really have chance to do it? Where's all the intimacy and passion? Where's my dream boy? Where's the beef! Not having the same preference in bed is a disaster. Preference affects performance, trust me. By the way, YES, we still don't see each other IN PERSON so far.


I know it's out of my business now. At least, I might not do him in this life. So what am I worried about?


I miss my vampire.

Welcome!

The first post! What should I write about? My moron list? My dark side? Or simply my murmur?

Never mind. It's the place belonging to me, myself, ulterly and totally. Who cares what I would write about? But if I don't care at all, why do I hesitate to share? On the contrary, if I want to keep private, why don't I just keep a diary instead? At least, I'm not that close to the recent technology. I have no problem if I only can have a pen and a piece of paper to track my life.

Again, I got stuck in the endless whys and why-nots.

Just see what I can do here.